Meaning and Purpose

Makaela was a dream baby. When she wasn’t nursing, or sleeping, she was content and happy as could be. In fact, just a whimper from her stressed me out because I never even heard the girl really cry her whole first year. There were days of feeling overwhelmed and stressed, my life was no longer my own.

But, it took on a whole knew meaning and purpose the day I become a mom, and everything about it I loved. I never wanted to leave her and did it as little as possible. Then came Mylah. She was a bit of a surprise, but a good one. I always knew I wanted more than one so the timeline for that, I was pretty open to.

She was more volatile then May, not as content, and only ever wanted me. A momma’s girl to the core. Going from 1 to 2 was harder for me then it was from 0 to 1. It was the first time mom guilt really set in. The first time I felt the pull. They both needed me, they both wanted me, and there wasn’t enough of me to go around. But, once the newness wore off I settled right into being a mom of two.

Then came Landon, not a surprise at all. I always wanted 3 so, having him made our family feel complete. While having three certainly had it’s challenges, even when me and josh were together we were officially out numbered so it made going places and doing things more complicated, but Landy made the transition to 3 as easy as possible. He was a wonderful baby like May, laid back and easy going. He practically scheduled himself at 3 months. Life was good.

Then came Lincoln. A surprise in every since of the word. I didn’t know if I even wanted any
more kids at all. what I did know is that I didn’t want any more anytime soon. I had done the 2 kids in diapers at the same time, the getting pregnant before the one before’s first birthday, and the still nursing while being pregnant thing.

The last few years had been a whirlwind. If I was going to have any more, I wanted it to be way down the road. I wanted to really be able enjoy it. To soak up every minute of “the last time”. I had also just gotten accepted into the nursing program. Something I had tried to do since getting pregnant with May. Three expectance letters, 3 declines all related to pregnancies.

Link was not part of the plan. Well, my plan. He was not what I thought life was going to bring us in that next year. I was supposed to be going into the nursing program that August, but instead I was going to be having yet another baby in September. 4 kids 5 and younger. Linky has been my most difficult baby by far, and yet he’s the baby I didn’t even know I needed.

Going from 3 to 4 has been a struggle for me. I have never felt as inadequate in my life as I have this last 6 months as a mother of four. But, to quote Elizabeth Elliot, this is my portion. This is my cup. I’m exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. I find great comfort in that. I’ve often asked what is the Lord trying to teach me in this season?! Well, besides my desperate need for sanctification- I’ve never been more aware of my need of that.

They say you never know how selfish you are until you get married and how angry you are until you have kids. That has definitely been the case for me. I have never yelled, lost my temper, or been more ugly in my in my adult life as I have been as a mother. How you can love someone so much you’d without a single doubt be willing to lay down your life for them and at the exact same time get so aggravated with them that you can’t see straight is just the craziest phenomenon.

What else is He teaching me? Well I suppose that which already was and always has been the case, I’m just not as aware of it when life Is easy and ‘feels” in my control, which is that nothing was ever really in my control to begin with, and thank God for his mercy in that, because if it was up to me, my life left in my control, in my hands, for all the times I know of, and for all the times I don’t, I would have gotten it all so very wrong.

I’ve heard it said when asked what the transition from 3 to 4 kids was like to imagine your drowning and someone throws you a baby. I thought that was a pretty accurate description. But in drowning, I’ve found the sweetest decency on the Lord, and that has been a beautiful thing.

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Meaning and Purpose

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